Wednesday, October 15, 2008

HORROR EPICS: Critters

CRITTERS (1986)
I think a lot of ‘80s children will remember this old school HBO favorite well. Hell, I probably haven’t even seen Critters since 1987 myself. And holy crap, I didn’t remember ANYTHING about this movie aside from the title and what the Krites looked like! The Krites are a litter of carnivorous aliens who narrowly escape imprisonment and set their course for the nearest planet that can sustain food. I’ll give you three guesses as to which planet they’re heading for. They land in the middle of Kansas and launch an attack on the nearby family, who are forced to defend their farm and lives against the nasty little Krites. But the Krites are not alone. A pair of intergalactic glam rockers (oops, I meant bounty hunters) is just two steps behind with space-age weaponry, looking to eradicate the little bastards once and for all. Critters isn’t exactly a four-star movie on the same level as any of the true classic horror films reviewed this month. But it is good fun, and typical of most action-packed ‘80s movies—meaning it’s explosive, noisy, and profane in that way that only an action-packed ‘80s movie could be. Would you believe that Siskel & Ebert gave Critters two thumbs up? Familiar faces from various movies from that decade include Dee Wallace Stone, Scott Grimes, and M. Emmet Walsh, letting you know that you’re in good company. For those of you who have not seen this movie before, to fully appreciate Critters, it’s best to host a sleepover with a bunch of your wiseass friends to watch it. Order the greasiest pizza you can find in the phone book. Vegans need not apply, because it is necessary to have cheese on the pizza for the proper experience at the very least. Since you’re not ten anymore, you can apply copious amounts of herb and/or cheap beer in place of two-liters of soda if you want. Hell, you might even enjoy it more that way. At no point will you pay any attention to the dialogue or the story, nor will it matter in the slightest. Should you fail to follow these directions to the letter, you would be depriving yourself of seeing Critters in its proper context and will more than likely think this movie is completely stupid. But no, the movie isn’t what’s stupid here—it’s you, for not doing as you’re told.

3 comments:

primusgrl1 said...

I wonder if it's good or bad that I'd never heard of Critters until reading your blog. Always full of satire, your review gives a pretty realistic picture of what to expect, without completely defaming the film to the extent no one would watch it. I commend you for being the brave Evil Eye to which we all turn our less-Evil eyes to for sage advice on the ever-bloody (and oft cheesy) horror genre!
-Hannah

Mr. Sean said...

Awesome, & an awesome movie poster too. Always a great intrigue at the video store when i was a kid. Hey, thanks for the links, you should add this one too!
http://brainstormbrainstorm.blogspot.com/

Jake said...

Yeah, I actually made a point to search around the internet to find the original poster/video box cover in the interest of retaining authenticity. The DVD cover doesn't look as cool, nor does it scream "OLD SCHOOL HBO FAVORITE" the way the original cover does.